Last Moments

Stare out of that window and listen to stupid songs while I try and tell you why things might be alright.  Sat on my bed with the same shitty music in loop down low while the rain spatters off the window, the light casting thin shadows over the wooden floor.  The heat of the day has passed and the cool of night is drawing in, blue skies clouded over and now all there is is grey.

I sit tentatively behind you, wanting to put a hand on your shoulder but i feel you recoil from just the thought passing through my head, as if you can tell what i'm thinking.  But somehow you still don't hear the thoughts that rush through my head whenever you're around.  The quickest of flashes sets off a rush of different memories, like a kid who hangs on the bars of a roundabout that has been spun with all his might before jumping on,
his fingers gripped so hard, but the force is simply too much and he can feel himself slipping away.  Fear rises in his stomach and through his throat, as if he's going to be violently sick, but the thrill of it all is what doesn't stop him. 

But you don't sense any of that.

The pitter patter and the soft beat are all that keep us together.  The distance between us is more than just a few fingerlengths and I can feel you moving away with every second that ticks past.  Your head is turned away but I can still feel your eyes on me, although I know they gaze out the window and that you are actually far away from here.  Thoughts elsewhere, caught up in the non-present, in a different situation and a different mood, a different time, a different place and a different you.  I wonder if you're thinking about me, about us and what we could have been.  if it had been different for us and if we hadn't gotten to this place here, in this room, sitting alone with each other on my bed.  I hope that you do, but I feel like I'm in the presence of death.

The empty longing for something that has passed, the void inside and the colour has drained from everything around, the sound has muted and the world has detatched itself from you.  The things that you once saw are gone, the little things that made you smile and feel connected, ripped away and now things of misery and dark.  Happiness is so bleak now.

I place a hand near your side and already it feels wrong.  So awkward and confused and I feel a pain through my stomach, as if something is pulling me from the inside out.  My head is confused and I feel all the energy coming from out of me as I use it all to will you to see me, here beside you.  To see me as you once did, to just turn round and understand again.  For everything to be as one and for the colour, the sound and the warmth
come back to me.  Only you can do this and as I watch you, I feel it all slipping away.

I let out a quiet sigh.  Not from frustration, as words like that feel like I'm blaming you.  I'm not here to place blame, I'm here to tell you, to make you understand.  Why can't you understand?  Maybe if we just sat here for the rest of time then it wouldn't matter.  Time almost stands still right now, so maybe we could be stuck here forever anyway.  The world wouldn't notice if just the two of us slipped off together to be in our own little world.  Nothing to get caught up in, nothing to distract, only the two of us frozen in time.

I want to put my arm round you, to pull you close and to whisper in your ear.  To take hold of your body and pull it close to me, and to take these covers of mine and hide us from the world.  We can still have our own blue skies hidden under the sheets and we can pretend there are no grey skies now, or there will be ever again.  The sun can always shine for us, if only you let me show you.

I would make you a queen and I would worship at your navel, kiss you tenderly and delicately brush your skin with my tongue and with my fingertips.  Slowly breathe onto you all the soul that I have, yours to keep and treasure and to do with what you will completely.  I hold that picture in my mind, you like a statue that I can keep with me, and i fear now that it is all i will be left with.

The sun is disappearing and the room becomes dimmer.  It feels like the air has become stagnant and bitter, it no longer wants to be here either.  My arm aches but I dare not move it, to break the moment or the silence.  I know the second that I do that everything will be over, like a signal for the end and that will be all we ever have together.  That I'll never see your face again and the few minutes afterwards I will sit and watch the bed where
you sat slowly lose the shape of you and turn back into nothingness.  Just another piece of cloth which hangs onto even more meaninglessness.

But you don't even wait for it.  Something has happened, the air has been unsettled and it awakens you from your dream of elsewhere.  Or maybe you just decided that it was time to rejoin the rest of the world, your world, the world where things are different and I'm no longer part of.  I feel under the numbness inside me a tearing feeling that rips through my whole body, the pain is almost immense already.  I dare not think what it would
be like without this numb feeling.  You move to get up and almost like a jolt my arm reaches out to grab you.  You barely turn your head and mumble something that I can't quite catch before you move away and my arm drops beside where you just were.  I look down and watch your shape slowly start to disappear as you walk away, each step further like a molecule shifting.  I can't bare to lift my head and look.

My mouth is desperate to open and say a thousand things, my whole body stings and is unable, breath sticks in my throat and all I can do is tremble.  I watch the shape and the shadow from outside that is coming for it, to take it away and to join me in solitude.  To taunt me, to hurt me.  To be my only friend and companion, the only thing that is left for me in this world and to take the shreds that are left of me and envelop me whole until there is possibly nothing left to leave me with.

There is a thump of a door closing and I am truly alone.  My hand is stroking where you have been and I slowly count the touches that I have left before it disappears.  I close my eyes.  The music has stopped.  In the distance, I can hear the traffic and somewhere there is a bird singing.  These things would have brought me comfort, but now all they bring is sorrow.  The song is not one of happiness, it is a solitary cry into the evening sky.  I hear
stuttering breath and the sound of material being touched.  And then everything stops.

A quiet click, and then the music starts to play again.